“I’m afraid to be alone.” She said. Not looking at him. Not looking at him at all.

“That’s why I am here.” He glanced at her and saw her fear that was indeed all over.

“That’s the point. You are here but why do I feel so alone? Where are you when I need you? I can’t feel you when we talk. You are always that guy who got the world on his shoulders and in no second am I even a part of that world. You are here but you make me feel so alone. But I’m afraid to be alone.”

At the next seconds, she realized that she was talking to herself.

The ocean tides are high as I see them. More than the serene sound of waves hitting the shore of glittering sand, your slow breaths is my morning lullaby. I glanced at your face being lighted by the rising sun at the break of the morning. I took a deep sigh and told to myself how beautiful your face could be even in the morning. My fingers brushed your cheeks. My eyes stared at your lashes and brows. My nose smelled your hair. My lips kissed your forehead and there you are, waking up from your solemn slumber. 

You mouthed good morning and smiled while eyes still half closed.

I said nothing and just touched your face and there I am, having the most wonderful gift to start my day. If there is just one word that could encapsulate all my thoughts, I would say it straight to you. You are lovely, my dear, lovely to have every morning and every day of my life. 

She thought she’d never feel that feeling again. That feeling of being cheered up when the sphere is all down. That feeling of being surprised on a tiring day of work and that feeling of being not alone anymore. She always knew that this moment is near impossible but then again, with a little twist of fate and destiny’s playful kick, coincidence never got this best. The best indeed for she found nothing less than the best. Finally, what she deserved at long last arrived…and he is here to stay.

I promised myself to save for my desired phone but then again, my hands become itchy whenever I get to see something good and by something good, I mean cheap yet incredible stuffs. Before the month ends, here are some of the goodies that made me sin.

I have been a self-confessed animal print lover at the moment. Anything related to it catches my eyes. My mom bought me the pink and black zebra comforter and it is timely since I plan to redesign my room by the Christmas break. I also got the leopard top from Surplus and my mom also bought me the foldable Longchamp inspired bag. She already got it…I love animals prints next to color purple and pigs. :)

ANIMAL PRINTS. ANIMAL PRINTS. Why so pretty? But I am pro animal rights so yeah. :) You know what I mean. :)

I am also a slave of Ukay-ukay or thrift shops. I just get so hyped when I enter those shops and can’t stop searching for something that is worthy of my money. I love cardigans. I am a little conservative so I love putting on cardigans over my sleeveless tops. I spotted these two treasures for a very cheap price. When I say cheap, I mean it. The gray one caught my attention because of the evident comeback of crochet and the other symmetrical cardigan is from G2000 and it seems new. I was very satisfied when I left the store.

Next to it, I realized I bought two skirts with no particular reason. The blue skirt is from the the online store of my friend (Glamstore Collections), it’s blue metallic lining was awesome and the black bodycon skirt is also from a thrift shop. I was searching for the exact skirt because I was supposed to be attending a party then I saw the piece and immediately grabbed it. It was really a good timing for me. The price is as good as the pieces too. 

I always love shopping since it is one of my way to get rid of the stress and other bothering stuffs that I have in mind. I also believe that you do not have to spend a lot just to get the good and the beautiful things. I am a very particular of where to spend my money so that I can get the most out of it. Here is one stingy girl and I don’t see anything wrong with it. :)

Like what I said, I love pigs and my mother bought me another comforter with cute pigs. My mom got more love points from me for being very thoughtful. Now the problem is, what to use for my room redesigning? Hee. ;)

Remember, when buying things, use your money well. :)

“I don’t get it most of the time. I strive to be better and my days are just devoted  to fix things but every time I try, my hopes just crush down in a second. I feel like I am the most unloved, disregarded and worthless person ever living.” She looked at him earnestly and stopped for a minute. Without all knowing, she started to cry again.

“I feel that sometimes, being not enough or not appreciated and even not seen as who you are. Problems become more important then it all falls down. Nothing becomes more worse when that person whom you expected to be with you is the reason for all of this suffering and that person is even unavailable to even just accommodate you to hear what you have to say. I feel that sometimes…not sometimes but always.” He told her smiling while remembering the days.

She took it all. She embraced the pain and in as much as she wanted to stop crying, the more she does. He gave her a pat on the back. “You’ll get by.”

The unbreakable silence thereafter gave the signal that they are not alone in their struggle to finding out of what has been. Stoked by the moment, high hopes came again and this time, they got each other. 

And then she was thinking that maybe, just maybe, all things will soon go away.

These simple and shallow things that she made part of her world will just be the lost pigments of her failed connection with him. It is so tragic to realize that the happiness with him would just be of lesser degree when she is away from him. That radiance of spark that she knew is just a part of the bigger light in a bigger opportunity if only she has to let go. 

It hurts her. It kills her just because she expected too much and craved for too much. 

Nothing last forever specially when someone is not for you. She ached to think of this but she is still to weak to convince her stubborn self that this is the truth.

She was sorry the whole time but he was in no place aware of her suffering.

They were sitting and waiting everyone else to arrive. They were tired from the long day of laughing and enjoying the company that they missed. It’s been a while since they met and the day was made perfect just for them and for them only.

She was resting her head on his shoulders and his hands are resting on her knees. He was tired but he chose to caress her hair as she sleeps. He was sure that as he look at her, she was someone to remember and always go back to.

The radio was playing an old song. She opened her eyes just to see that they are still waiting. She instead listened to the song and realized that the lyrics are pointing to them. She absorbed every music and lyrics.

She hugged his arm tight right away and said nothing. She just confirmed to herself that no matter what happens, he will make him the most consistent person in her life and not let the long separation happen again.

She looked at him and this time, he was the one who is already sleeping.

The wait is over. Everyone already arrived. They are ready to leave. Ready to go home.

It was a rainy night and I just finished helping my friend in a video shoot for a project this end of August when my good friend Irene and I decided to chill first before going home. The streets of Dapitan in UST are filled with people always. People of all sorts from students to vendors and of course, beggars. It’s very usual for one to be tapped on the shoulder by a street child and beg for coins or left-overs from the food that one is holding. One time, while Irene is feeding me with her daily dose of stories, one kid came up to us and of course begged for some coins. We ignored him and Irene continued chatting but this kid would not stop. He was making hand gestures that we cannot understand and it caught our attention.

“Kung di niyo po ako bibigyan, like niyo na lang po page ko sa Facebook.” (If you will not give me any, just like my Facebook page.) He said to us.

We were puzzled and I glanced at him from head to toe.

“Aba may Facebook page ka pa! Alam mo, hindi ka mukhang pulubi! Mas mukha pa nga kong pulubi sayo eh! San ka ba galing? Nasaan mga magulang mo?” (And you even have a Facebook page! You know, you do not look like a beggar! I even look like one compared to you.) I asked him out of curiosity. 

“Kung magiging madumi ako, hindi ako lalapitan ng mga tao o lalayuan nila ako. Hindi ako makakahingi. Kailangang presentable lagi.” (If I would be dirty, no one would approach me or people might run away from me. I wouldn’t be able to beg. I should always be presentable.) His answer started to wonder me a lot and the conversation with this kid lasted the whole night long. I even forgot that I should be going home by that time or I will miss the train.

• We found out that he manages the computer shop of his friend every Saturdays and that he was able to make his pages on Facebook. 
• He is a very witty kid. He attracts people by telling jokes to them. He was able to study through begging. 
• Due to his consistent hardwork, a lot of people has been sponsoring their family with shelter and education. He lives to beg and to help his siblings since their mother already died and their father lives and Tondo and do not care about them anymore. 
• I found out that he just lives near our home and he still travel all the way to Manila using the bicycle which is a very tiring thing to do. 
• He studied for free in a school for the deaf just because he wants to learn how to do sign language and it explained the weird hand gesture that he did earlier.

I was impressed with this kid’s story that we ended up giving him all our coins. Something that might help him for that night’s begging that he got. He is so much blessed with people who sees his perseverance and depiction of real essence of simple living and being happy.

Like his page here and his jokes compilation here and add him here.

Another interesting person that caught my attention is this leaf musician. I do not know how to call him but he resembles the great Filipino Artist who popularized playing music on a leaf, Levi Celerio. He was able to entertain us with his good music and high energy. he was old but his presence feels young. He played modern music and shout “yeah!” always which is funny and alluring. He did not beg for money to us which is unusual because I thought that he did such in exchange for alms. I saw him before on the other side of our school two years ago and glad to see him again.

I was amazed with these types of people who not only ask for simple contributions from us but gives us something in return which is inspiration and hope. We disregard these people since we just see them everyday or that they are none of our concern but they just manifest the need for our help and attention. If we just give them ample focus, sooner or later, no body in the streets have to do such just to live by for the day. They are the unsung heroes of our time.

The cold sphere caught us in a glimpse. I held your hand and felt the rush of life in your every vain. I wished to stay long but as the night deepens and as the stars fade, we both know that something in between us will also be. We exchanged sighs and sights. We inhaled every exhale of the other and by that last blink of yours, I marked the moment of our temporary aches and longing. We turned into shadows of our memory and the past will be the only venue for us to reminisce what used to be our present and our future. Be safe darling.

#nowplaying Lost in Space by Lighthouse Family.

This song has been so memorable to me for so many reasons. One of which is that I dreamt of this song before. Creepy and weird dream it is but I never forgot this song ever since. 

I also love that first line which tells a lot of things to me. Black people sings well I must say. I love Lighthouse Family and Blessed Union of Souls. Their songs are forever.

Jai(c)

Every girl needs a man in his life. Someone she can call her own, take care of her and cherish every part of her. In short, someone who will love her no matter what. In my case, I’ve never been into guys since it’s not my interest and one thing, is that I already have a man that did not court me but I felt his love for me…he is my Dad.

We do not call him Daddy, Dad, Papa or Pop. We uniquely call him Dada since my little sister used to call him that when she was still a toddler. He is all-in-one. He drives, cooks, cleans, fixes things and sometimes do the laundry and the pressing. He is my Super Dada I must say. He do not want house helpers and all since he wants things done by himself. I really salute him for being such a hardworking man for us which is something that impresses me.

When I was a kid, my nanny told me that I was a Father’s girl. My father would always have a special attention for me over my siblings. That explains why up to now, I have a little tension with my siblings. Well, we are grown-ups now so we do not mind that anymore. I can remember my father walking with me to my tutor’s house when I was a kid. I do not want to study that time so I was so stubborn and I stomped all day. What he did was, he bought me candies, cookies, ice-cream in every store that we will pass by. He bribed me until I realize that we already reached my tutor’s house. He is too sweet and I enjoyed all the goodies expect that my slippers were destroyed due to too much dragging that I did. Heee!

He is the first and only man in my life that gave me the love that I need. I was the nastiest kid in the house and yet his patience fed me with realizations that I have to grow up and become a lady. I can remember his message to me during my debut that all he wanted to do was to guide us and help us learn as we grow up so that when we can already live on our own, we will think of him and thank him not because of what he did but because what we did because of him. It’s like we will do good just because it is what he showed to us. Tearjerker.

We owe him our existence and the person that we are right now. I can say that totally he is someone that I will forever look up to. I love you Dada and you will always be my hero, inspiration, love and life. Thank you for being a good father, friend and life partner to us. You never fail to make us feel loved and taken care of. Allow us to return to you all that you’ve given us. Momay is so lucky to have you and we are more lucky too. There’s nothing more that I could ask for and I wouldn’t trade you with anything in this world. You are the only man in my life. To the most handsome and korean-ish looking father who is slash our mother and all WE LOVE YOU AND MORE FATHER’S DAY TO COME!

Aminin mo na, lahat tayo dumaan sa Friendster bago pa dumating ang Multiply, Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Formspring at Plurk. Lahat tayo gumawa ng account, nagpost ng pictures, nanghingi ng testimonials at since di pa uso ang Wi-Fi noon, nagrenta ng computer sa computer shops, ma-update lang ang profile mo at makapag-papansin sa bulletin board.

Kung babalikan natin ang kanya-kanya nating account, matatawa ka sa mga itchura niyo sa pictures, sa pagkajejemon ng mga tao, sa pagkahumaling natin sa pag-aadd ng friends at paggawa ng account dahil yung iba ay full na. Nakakatawa nga talaga. Kahit ako. Ang online English-speaking freak na tulad ko naging jejemon rin in a way pero ang mas masayang balikan sa Friendster ay yung mga tao na akalain mo na hanggang sa Facebook kasama mo at di ka iniwan. Yung Friendster account ko since 2005 pa ginawa. Six years na siya kung tutuusin at kasintagal nito o mas matagal pa dito ay yung mga friends ko in real life na di lang sa social networking sites ko lang maaasahan. Nagpapasalamat ako sa Friendster dahil kahit papaano natuto akong mag-HTML, magblog, magpicture ng marami kahit di pa uso ang photography at DSLR noon at yung pagpapakilala sa akin na rin sa mga bagong tao na sa personal ay di ko kayang maka-usap, o di ako kayang maka-usap. Sa May 31, magbabago na ang mukha ng site na ito. May mga mawawala at dadating na bago pero grabe lang talaga ang dala ng internet ngayon. Napapadali lahat ng bagay. Salamat Friendster! Para sakin mas bagay parin sayo yung orange smiley mo na logo. :)

Siguro bibinyagan ko ang Tumblr ko ng pinakaunang post at pinakaunang blog entry na ilalahad ko ng tagalog. May nagsabi kasi sakin dati na pag tagalog, mas nanunuot, mas ramdam mo ang sinasabi. 

Kanina kumakain ako mag-isa ng hapunan ko. Nakita ko si Dada na naglalagay ng tubig sa pitsel mula sa water dispenser namin. Nainis siya kasi napansin niya na yung saluhan ng tubig ay puno na. Dahil sa hindi na maiinom ang mga tubig na tumagas mula sa cold-faucet o ano man ang tawag dun, nakita ko tinapon niya lahat. Narinig ko ang lakas ng buhos nung tubig na mineral. Akalain mo, sa mahal ng bilihin ngayon, may mga bagay parin na nasasayang. Di naman sinadya ni Dada na itapon yun, wala siyang magawa kasi sinubukan naman niyang ayusin yung sira naming water dispenser.

Napagtanto ko lang…teka ang lalim nun ah, pero oo, narealize ko na ang daming nasasayang mula sa mga bagay na sira. Sirang tv, sayang ang kuryente, sirang balde, sayang ang tubig, sirang refrigerator, sayang ang pagkain, sirang motor, sayang ang gasolina at iba pa. Maraming pwedeng masira na nagaaksaya. Sabihin na natin sirang relasyon.

Minsan pinipilit. Minsan sinasabi na pwede pa maayos pero kung sira na nga talaga maaaring mas marami ang masayang…sayang na panahon, sayang na effort, sayang na energy at sayang ang isa’t isa sa inyo. Bakit di na lang kaya magsimula sa bago, ingatan at huwag ng sirain para lahat sulit? Ewan ko lang ha. You may beg to disagree. Pero ang masasabi ko lang ay ang sarap ng boneless bangus na ulam ko kanina. May naalala lang ako bigla. Yung bangus na huli kong kinain tapos durog pero masarap lalo na kung ipinagluto ka.